The strange feeling surrounding yourself after it's over is bearable and even needed somehow. what's stranger how oneself becomes molded into something else every time something like this happens.

It's been a few months now but somehow thoughts and feelings still manage to creep up on you unnoticed and hit you randomly from time to time. Even thoughts seemingly lost and forgotten a long time ago submerge from within your wrinkles of your brain. The curse of remembering the unpleasant over the pleasant carries on a lifetime. Of course oneself changes over time, becoming more resilient to those kind of threats. It becomes easier to cope with but never to the point of forgiveness to oneself or reaching the point of unaffectedness. What scares me sometimes is the degree of change you go through where right and wrong loose their defined borders and sometimes even switch places.

Why is this happening? What went wrong? These question and the likes you ask yourself are rarely answered. These feelings you have diminish and drift
away without you noticing until you realize what is happening... often too late. Your senses do a rather cruel job reminding you as well... random things like places, weird coincidences or objects you see, scents you pick up walking innocently down the street, the fabric of a piece of clothing, a
song emerging in the distance starting a cascade in your head, a drink which resembles something completly unexpected but familiar at the same time.

Pictures are most of the time the usual suspect of your misery. You look at them and either feel nothing at all or travel back in time. The latter being the more painful and confusing one. But we keep taking them nevertheless. Like knowingly erecting the windmills we are fighting after wards trying to bring them down and failing every time.

Why are we doing this? I guess it is instinctive. We cannot do without. Like needing light to take pictures. The same pictures which can and almost every time do hurt.

Nothing is forever.